I awoke in dreamlike haze, seeping through the silk drapes the setting sun drenched the room in its light. Light rain drizzled on, the soft wind whispered. History had been written, the bullet had been shot, the train was quickly leaving the station, had it ever stopped?
The sky above is grey, dark clouds weep tears, it has a magical quality of drenching everything around it, the blossoms and the trees, in its all encompassing misery. Though, it is not total misery, it is a slow, numbing virus that eats away at ones self.
My old soul creaks under the weight of the ticking seconds, the darkness that engulfs me.
An iced coffee sits in front me it drips on the table, whiskey stings my throat. The windows are open and the silk drapes are caught in a gentle breeze, the clouds are grey. Rain drizzles down the window pane to the melody of faint music.
Another day racing beyond my grasp. Notebooks scatter in front of me, fleeting emotions captured, pulled apart and disposed of.
I haven’t been writing as much as I would like to. I almost feel disappointed in myself. I had promised to start writing a book, I got past the first paragraph, then the first page, then the fifth, though after that words fell apart. Just like life, i’m good with the introduction, i’m good with dreaming and ideas, though when it comes to reality, what should happen next, my fabricated wall of day dreamed lies fall apart and the harsh reality drowns me.
I might go for a walk later, get a coffee, watch people pass me by.
The sun set drenching the room in its light. The old floorboards creaked under her feet as she walked to the window, pulling the silk drapes down.
She had not left the house for many weeks and the passing of time had lost all meaning.
The people in her life where resembling shadows and shadows do not leave much to miss. They seem to stand silently beside you, offering you a glimpse of the person, yet when dark times inevitably fall they vanish.
The more she learnt of truth, she realised all she knew was lies.
Marks lingered on her body, around her neck and across her arms, his marks. Outside rain hits the concrete and drips down the window pane, the wind wails. Dark shadows creep across the walls, the echoing silence thunders loudly. The memories were slipping through her grasp like water. Was she to see his blue eyes filled with sunlight again? Or the way he smiled, dimples forming across his rugged face, was she going to miss that?
For who does she have? No family, nor many friends… Apart from her two papillons, with their hearts as expansive as oceans, she was alone.
To others she was the adventurer, the philosopher, the dreamer, the truth seeker. Though they never wanted to get too close it seemed.
She is the nomad, the hermit, the artist, the seductress, the child, the scared, the hurt, the lonely, the passionate, the strong, the universe and the stars.
“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly”
The sun has set and the dark night creeps in, children play on the street.
I sit in the dimly lit room, candle light flickers against the bare white walls. Tears form in my eyes until they cascade down my cheeks. I try to connect, I am trying, I cry out loud “please help, please give me the strength”. I walk my days at times with the world weighing on me, the passing traffic of people flood me with their grief and pain. How do I learn to close myself to others emotional baggage? I can hardly walk in the city at times, panic attacks strike me, I forget how to breath, how to walk, who am I?
Where has compassion gone? Many say oh it is still there, yet at times I fail to see it. The passing people consumed in their own world, what they are having for lunch, what they are going to do tomorrow, the next day and the next.
We judge others simply for their beliefs not on the merit of being a good person despite their god or way of worship. Why is it so hard for people to see through that? Ignorance blinds, deafens and kills.